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2005-04-30 5:10 p.m.
Kinda' true! I stayed home from work today. I've been feeling overall crappy and nursing a monstrous headache. Yesterday I almost thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. I was at Target (I might as well set up bunk there, I'm always at Target) and suddenly my hands went numb and everything felt really far away. I was slurring my words just a bit, I found it impossible to say Neutrogena for example. I felt like I was walking in a tunnel, so I was a little panicky and went to the car thinking maybe I could chill and the feeling would go away. It got worse! I couldn't feel my body at all and it felt like a big weight was against my chest. Then? It went away. I don't know what was going on there. I think it was a low blood sugar thing because my mom made me eat a couple of mints and I started to feel better. I don't know. But it was really creepy. I thought I was going to die or something. I know I am a bit of a drama queen but man....it sucked. I still have this pissy headache. Make it go away. I hate not feeling well. I feel like a firecracker with a faulty fuse. I'm really thinking about going blonde. I'm not running out and buying hair bleach right now so I'm a lot more restrained than I used to be. Thinking used to mean doing. Which can be awesome in certain situations but sort of disasterous in others. I weighed myself today. I don't think I am going to ever be happy with the numbers on the scale. Now I remember why stopped stepping on those things when I was a teenager. 103 pounds. I know that's not bad, especially considering hormonal circumstances of the last week, but it isn't what I want. But maybe that's just a normal baseline weight for me? Since I seem to be hovering between 100-105 pretty steadily the last couple of months. And considering how much I weighed this time last year during the great Zyprexa blow up. Ugh. How can it be that I know I'm not technically fat and that I am a lot slimmer than I used to be but I don't feel any smaller? It's weird. And when did I become so weight obsessed...oh yeah, the Zyprexa bloat out. I don't know. I'm beginning to really like who I am on the inside but liking the outside is proving to be a little harder. Hmm...I just saw a preview for a movie called Crash. I think I'm gonna' go see it Friday. I've been praying pretty regularly but I'm afraid my prayers are really just selfish and I know they're very trivial. But who knows, God listened last year, though I didn't know it at the time. I wish K would email me back.
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