So I was happily enjoying a cigarette, listening to Hole and breezing through Reading Lolita In Tehran when a co-worker came out and sat next to me on my last break today. This is a co-worker I generally chat with so I took off my headphones and closed my book and we begian talking. Then it happened. She started asking me about Daniel. Trust me if I talked to him I probably would have told her so there was really no reason for her to ask. Then she starts talking and it was making me so sad...I'm trying to explain again (for the umpteenth time) what may have happened between us and how I honest to God don't hate him, dislike him or blame him...and then I told her it's hard for me and I don't like talking about it because all it does it make me feel horrible. Why do people keep doing this to me? I'm not going to say anything bad about him and I don't blame him for what happened entirely and mostly not at all. And maybe Michael was talking a lot of fabricated smack about me to him while Daniel was in Russia and maybe he wasn't. I don't know. At this point it no longer matters. I can't think about it and I can't worry about it. What's done is done. The problem is I do think about about Daniel and I feel horrible about the way I acted...because I would never act that way and yet I did and I can't change fact into fiction as much as I would like to. And I'm not going to say anything bad about him because he's not a bad person. But I wish people would let it lie and leave me alone about it because he is still a sensitive issue with me, he is not gossip with me and probably, hopefully, never will be.

Seriously though, why do people bring this stuff up knowing my history and knowing I'm kind of teetering right now until I get to see the doctor tomorrow to get my meds adjusted? My face is much braver in public and I'm not acting like a child weeping or a girl about to take off but trust me inside? That's exactly how I feel, I just can control it on the outside better now thanks to the meds on I'm on. That doesn't mean I'm calm and cool on the inside though. I'm far from it. Though my goal is the exact opposite hence the appointment tomorrow.

Sleeping is still rough. Though some of my dreams last night turned towards something other than insects. I dreamt, at one point in the night, that I was waiting for someone to come back to my house after going to the store. He was taking a long time so I got worried. When I get worried I generally go outside and wait for people, I did this in my dream. Next thing I know some guy is standing at my staircase asking if Larry lives here. I tell him no and then before I know it he shoves past me like he's going into my apartment and it scares me. Then my apartment door opens and somehow his friends got inside and now they were intending on murdering me. I start to scream but then I woke up.

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