I'm updating way too much, the lackage of a substantial life clearly shows itself here not to mention the fact that I've found myself immerged in watching the Real World/Road Rules challenge, what's sadder than that?

Ever worry about trust? For all my cynicism I think I possess, I trust far too many and the wrong sort of people. I also suffer paranoia so what do I fucking know? It's all very confusing. But people are always like, ooh you shouldn't have said that to that person.

But it always seems when it matters I never trust the right people. That I'm never honest with the right people. I'll bare my soul to people who can and may even use it to seriously fuck this girl up but to the people who may not? I always go mum. I hate this about myself. I've never really been able to reach out to the people I've wanted to, the people I've loved, in any sort of honest way. That's a major malfunction. That's a defective personality trait. It's like I want to be like, I love you. I love you because you're amazing and beautiful and you make me think and feel and make me go mad and you're so unbelievably imperfect that's fucking gorgeous. But I never say these things. I wobble. I'm a wobbler.

It's also like I feel like I can't ever really be myself. It's like who do they expect me to be? The shell always cracks because I can't fake things for long. Am I the sarcastic bitch tonight? Am I drama queen extreme? Or maybe only she who is woe is me? The truth is I am all those girls, every single one of them. But what I very rarely let people see is the side of me that is delighted with things like cold mornings or in love with the cut of the moon on any particular night. That makes me so vulnerable. I just feel like I've never really been myself with anyone, not for any real amount of time.

But God, who do I trust? How do I know people aren't manipulating everything I say for their own mixed up reasons. I hate living in that world. I want to be real. I do. But I can't, not the way I'd like because it will come back to hurt me. Because it always, always comes back to hurt me in the end.

I don't know. I'm so very mixed up about a lot of things and it's very confusing and makes for a very lonely me indeed.

I also know I'm being exceptionally contradictive.

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