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2004-04-24 6:01 p.m. I was talking, albeit briefly, with someone about my strange affliction today and it was nice. I'm not embarrassed by it, I think people expect me to be but I'm not. I'm not ashamed that my brain chemistry is a bit whacky and I think people expect me to be. I'm upset about the way I've acted in the past but now that I know what's going on I can feel guilt over past behavior and all but not over having BP. Because I can't help that. And I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I wish I actually had someone to talk about it with or that people asked me about it because it's not like everyone around doesn't know that something was up. So I'm a bit crazy. So I have to take drugs to make me less so. So what? Anyway, this person asked me if I was faking my mood and it's like nope. Which is strange. I did fake a lot in the past when I could like enthusiasm or happiness. I'm niether overtly enthusiastic or happy now...it's just I'm normal. Yeah. I'm not faking it. Meds are helping me a lot. A lot! A whole lot! And quickly too. I'm not 100% better but I guess I rather am considering where I was and chances are my meds will be upped on dosage which I'm cool with. I'm cool with almost anything that will work and keep me a little less out there. It's just okay to talk about it. It's okay okay to ask me about it. It's not a secret.  Anywho. I mentioned I was reading the Glorious Appearing the other day. The only way they described Jesus thus far was that he had WHITE wooly hair. I guess they did that least they offend followers of a myriad of races. I mean I think it's smart to assume that because Jesus was a Jew of Middle Eastern decent that he wouldn't be the light haired and blue eyed creature most American and European Christains have had described in their Bibles...so man, why not accept that fact and move on? That's what I'm saying. And damn. The violence in the book is disturbing. I don't like how the Christian group isn't really put off by it. Yes Carpathia=evil but his followers are still people even if they are doomed to eternal hellfire and the like. So that is bothering me A LOT. The violence and the reaction to it is putting me off a lot. I see what the author's are doing, trying to use the fear factor in their preaching and all but fear is uneccessary when it comes to faith. Faith spurred by fear or force is kinda' shallow because how real is it. Shouldn't people come to God in love and not because they're afraid of the alternative? It's just the have this big ta-do about Jesus' second coming and it's so violent there doesn't seem to be any glory in such a relentless blood bath. He's Jesus, I mean it's not like he isn't gonna' win does it have to be so dastardly in description. Parts of it have grossed me out. Moving on...today was okay. Mood very level. Got annoyed on the way home because it took fourty-five frellin' minutes and a lot of people were driving like they'd never been behind the wheel before. Then when I got home my computer decided to act all psycho but I myself did not. w00t. I rock. Or not. Got the grocery shopping done. I acyually bought fresh fruit and vegetables to snack on incase my meds give me the munchies. Since I'm weaning off od the Zyprexa hopefully that wieght gain dillema will be nipped in the bud but until then I have to control it by not eating like a freak. I've also decided to not go out tonight. I'm just too broke and sorta' don't want to. I know I suck. I should be going out and doing normal stuff and being social but can't I start that next week? ETA 10:54 PM: I cam across this quote on some medical study:
Is there anyone reading this who has Bipolar disorder, I'd really like to know more about all of this. Email me lalana24@hotmail.com
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