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2004-04-06 5:08 p.m. I can't quite define how I'm feeling...because I'm totally not used to feeling this way. I'm hesitant to say hopeful, I'm slow to say positive because these are feelings that are all but foreign to me. But dare I say that I think I'm feeling just a bit of both of those. And you know what? Those feelings are scarier than the deepest depressions and the most high scale rage. I'm not used to them. I'm really scared of them but I'm excited...I'm thinking I'm gonna' get better. I can be better, it's actually a possibility. Oh please God, please... But I'm afraid it's a fluke and nothing in the world can do me a good turn, that I'm destined to hopelessness. See even now I'm just too afraid to think my days might be sunnier. But? But fuck it because things are going to be better. I am going to be better and I'm kinda' hopped up about it, wondering about all the things I might do one day. I'm such a geek! But I can't help it, right now I want to cry but in a happy way...it's weird. Oh please don't let this be a moment...let this be a beginning... Now today wasn't all sunshines and daisies for me. I had two rather teary eyed moments and my mood was originally a put on, brave face and all but it's funny because I actually started feeling the way I was pretending to feel. And hmmm...I saw Daniel today and he didn't utter a single word to me. He's good at this. Much better than me at that game. And it made me sad but Daniel isn't on this earth to validate my feelings, or as he put it on that car ride to Detroit, to make me feel good about myself. And he's right. I wish he would have talked to me but he didn't and he's entilted. I did however manage to say something to him shortly before I left, I told him he didn't have to say hello to me but I was going to say it to him and I did. He's not a bad person, he's really not. No matter how things are now, I know he's a good person. I'm just feeling hopeful...really hopeful for the first time in such a long while... I also have this urge to do something nice for someone...I have no money so financial charitable contributions are out...but it's an urge that's like whoa.
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